Bonding

Why it is a gift to have a sibling

My brother is four years older, 20 centimeters taller and a couple of kilos heavier than me; our blue eyes look almost identical. These are just facts, neither good nor bad, there is no point in regarding him as a threat for my self-esteem. For me as his younger sister they are not of importance, what matters are his wholeheartedness, warmth and kindness.

I believe, that it would be different, if I had a sister instead of a brother. It would be much harder to describe a sibling of the same gender objectively, because we tend to compare us with each other. Seeing that my sister is taller or slimmer than me, might trigger feelings of shame and inferiority, which can make the relationship difficult.

                                  

According to research, siblings may be more influential shapers of who we become than parents!

For me, especially my mum has influenced many decisions I have made. She did not tell me what to do or tried to push me in any direction, but she has expressed her trust and encouraged me to listen to my heart.

The older I become (this sounds a bit exaggerated to say at the age of 22!) and the more people I meet, the more visible becomes the impact of my brother: he taught me that bonding does not mean to seek conversations all the time, but to understand each other without words. 

After a while I started to enjoy the music he listens to, I love watching basketball games with him and most of the TV shows he likes appeal to me as well. 

Whenever I am facing a problem, my brother is one of the very first persons I address, because I know that he will listen calmly and make me laugh no matter how bad I feel.

Especially in the time between 18 and 30, when we move away from home, but still have not founded our own family, a brother gives protection and hope, that everything is going to be alright. 

Siblings teach us to share, to care and to love unconditionally. We learn to deal with conflicts, to find solutions and maybe most important: we learn to forgive and to be forgiven.

Today, I would describe my conflict behavior as avoidant and I am sure that the relationship to my older brother has a certain impact:

First of all, because of my physical advantage, I do not even start fighting as I would lose anyway. Secondly, this relationship has always been far too valuable to endanger it due to a disagreement.

“Brothers are like streetlights along the road, they don´t make distance any shorter but they light up the path and make the walk worthwhile.” Chinese saying.

Connections

Why many soldiers face a challenge when they come back home

This post is going to be about a special occupational group: about soldiers.
At the moment, four major wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Africa (Boko Haram) and Syria cost thousand of lives. According to the Syrian Center for Policy research, the number of fatalities is estimated to be half a million, which is approximately the number of inhabitants of Utrecht and Tilburg TOGETHER!

After the terrorist attacks in Europe, the stream of refugees coming from war zones and my stay in Israel, I finally decided to read more about the challenges soldiers are facing.
I realized, that Israelis, who are mandatorily requested to go to the army, are looking forward to fighting for their home country, but they also enjoy their time being back home. They like to share the experiences they have made and most of them do not feel ashamed or guilty, even if they killed people.
The rate of Israeli soldiers who suffer post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) amounts approximately one percent.
People experiencing PTSD describe themselves as shiftless, they lose interest in hobbies they used to like; they feel numbness and believe that they are out of controle of what is happening around them.

It is shocking to hear, that more than 40% of American veterans (numbers for Euoprean soldiers are not available) have not been traumatized during their services in warzones, but they experience a severe state of depression after their arrival back home.
The suicide rate of American veterans is even 50% higher compared to citizens with similar demographic characteritics who did not serve in the military, according to a comprehensive survey of the LA Times.

After 9/11 many veterans reported, that their health condition improved. Their symptoms went down, just like the general suicide rate of American citizens: the number of self-inflicted deaths decreased significantly in 2001.

But why do American veterans face such a mental challenge when they return after they survived in  warzones?
Why did the suicide rate go down after the horrible attack of 9/11, although one might expect that this awful act rather intensifies depression?

The well-being of soldiers is obviously not only determined by what is happening outside!
During their serivices, the physical closeness to their comrades and their trust in each other is essential for them to bear dangerous combat missions. They live in "tribal communities", where they share a lot and they show understanding for one another.
When they come back home, they quickly experience, that life in modern society is often lonely.
After terror attacks, nations stick together and stand up against the enemy. This feeling of being unified and connected can release powers and feelings of happiness, therefore it prevents people from sinking into depression.

The German defence minister Ursula von der Leyen was the first politician in that position who made effort to give soldiers the possibility to combine their family life with their job.
I am convinced, that this was a first essential step, because it enables soldiers to be more integrated into the society, so that a "culture shock" when they come back home, can be mitigated, although it does not help us to overcome the phenomenon of increasing individualism, selfishness and loneliness.

I noticed, that many people, especially women, feel connected when they talk and express their feelings and fear, which can surely help them a lot.
But maybe we are in a time, where remaining silent and being a good listener is as valuable as being a good talker.
Deep connection cannot be put in words anyway and a smile or a warm gesture can be worth a thousand words.

Racism at the workplace

Disadvantages black Americans face in the workplace

Before I started to write this blog and dig deeper into the topic of racism at the workplace, I did not suspect that dark-skinned people still face so many challenges and unfairness.

Of course, the sad news about police violence especially in the Southern States of America reach the German news and impressive films, such as “The Jury” or “Mississippi burning” became popular in Europe as well. The book "A time to kill" (John Grisham, 1996) increased my interest in this topic and finally led to this poste.
However, I was not aware, that these 20-year old films remain as topical as ever!

Doubtlessly, the USA has made some progress when it comes to equality between black and white. It is only 60 years ago, that black Americans got the right to vote!

With Condoleezza Rice, the first black lady has become a foreign minister in 2005; only three years later, Barak Obama was elected to be the first Afro-American president of the USA. 

It is not my goal to understate the achievements that have been made so far, but I also want to show, that black Americans still cope with many prejudice, for instance when they apply for a job.

In 2015, the Harvard professor Devah Pagermade made an interesting experiment:

She sent selected test applicants with equivalent CVs to apply for low-level jobs.

Pager found out, that black men with no criminal record applying for a job were as likely to be invited for a second interview, as white men who just came out of prison!

If black Americans get a job, their median weekly earnings are significantly lower than those of white employees. 

 

America seems to be a land of strictly limited possibilities for their black citizens. Pleasing changes have not been made in the last couple of years, not even during the promising mandate of Barak Obama.

This time, my closing words are not as enthusiastic as they usually are.

It makes me feel pessimistic to know, that mothers giving birth to black babies know, that their children will suffer disadvantages in their future life, without being given the chance to prove their skills.

The mind of children might be a “tabula rasa” (John Locke), a blank slate that can be scribbled on with the most beautiful colors. The future however rather seems to resemble a labyrinth with a predefined way.

 

The future of a new working generation

How things have changed

Spending Saturday night at home in front of the TV with our best friend? Booking the next summer holiday in a hotel we already know?

NO WAY! Saturday nights are reserved for going to clubs we have never been to before and holidays must be a unique experience. The further away, the better! Bungee jumps from the highest bridges or learning to survive in the wilderness are welcomed events, that only happen once in a lifetime.

“FOMO”  (“fear of missing out”) is not just a phenomenon that affects our leisure activities,

but it is also a new development that influences the way we work.

Sticking to the same job, in the same office, with same people does not sound appealing to most of us, at least not to my friends and me. As the amount of money we earn has become less important, the degree of freedom and commitment to the companie and colleagues has become a more essential factor.

While my grandparents´ generation lived to work, my parents´ generation worked to live. People born after 1980 seem to go one step further: they desire to find a job they love. Work means self-fulfillment! An occupation shall not just be our troublesome job, but our life!

I observed another interesting difference between generation X and Y when it comes to the evaluation of  overtime hours: I believe, that previous generations saw a strong relation between the quantity of work and the quality. Working late was an indicator for hard work. Nowadays, those who work late and have little free time, are accused of having a bad time-management and therefore a higher likelihood of suffering burnout sooner or later.

Many companies make much effort to meet not only their customers´, but also their employees´ expectancies: they offer opportunities to work from home, give freedom in decision-making and emphasize the meaning of the particular doing.

Nonetheless, some things change very little and very slowly.

We are still far from equality between men and women and racial discrimination in the workplace is not uncommon.  

When we introduce ourselves to people, one of the first things we mention is the profession we have. It is all about what we have achieved rather than who we really are.

The large number of opportunities we have when it comes to the choice of a profession are of course a positive attainment, but in order to make good decisions, we have to know ourselves very well.

We carry our best advisors within ourselves: our body and soul guide the way, even if their voice is sometimes not more than a quiet whisper in a very noisy world. 

Future your education

All-day schools

 

Since the mid 1940s, most American children have spent approximately 6.5 hours per day at school (from 8 to 2.30). Considering that weekends are free and vacations are long, children spend approximately 20% of their waking hours per year at school.

Personally I enjoyed that my mum cared for me after school. I could always tell her about my experiences and fears. She helped me to do my homework and to improve my language skills.

I was in a privileged position, but those, whose parents were not at home, because they had to work and those, whose parents did not speak German, saw the disadvantages of an unequal world.

Longer school days are not only beneficial for children, but for a society as a whole.

Crime rates and alcohol abuse could be reduced, if teenagers spend more time at schools, were they feel welcomed and secure. Spending more time with their pupils also gives teachers the opportunity to find out, where individual strengths and weaknesses lie and to respond adequately to children with special needs.

Making kids see schools as a place where they are supported, where their success is cherished and where they can grow, is an ambitious aim, which is far more likely to achieve, if children are given the possibility to gain self-confidence in sports, drama groups or musical education in the afternoon. At the moment, most leisure activities are reserved for an elite that can afford private lessons.

This educational model could be one more step into a world, where a role model with mothers staying at home in order to care for their children in the afternoon, is part of the history.

According to researches from Harvard Business school, in America, daughters of working mothers earned 23% more than their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers, while sons of working moms spent seven and a half more hours a week on childcare and 25 more minutes on housework.

There still is a long way to go and cost-intensive childcare is probably not the first investment governments are willing to make considering the high expenditures walking along with the maintenance of refugees, that are seeking shelter especially in northern European countries.

Savings at the expense of unequally treated children will put countries sooner or later in a dangerous situation, that is why I come to the conclusion that all-day schools must be implemented urgently.

The story of Steve Jobs

 

Steve Jobs as a role model?

Last week, I read another inspiring book about a man, who is known for his black turtlenecks, nickel glasses and inventions, that changed the world within a few years:
Of course, I am talking about Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple. 

Although the book and also the film about Steve Jobs create a rather negative image of a father who denies his daughter, a perfectionist and avaricious man, I somehow developed sympathy for him.
Jobs did not grow up with his biological parents, his birth mother gave him up for adoption, when her son was a baby.
Although Steve Jobs seldomly expressed appreciation for others, his “new” parents seemed to be holy to him. They had a simple life style and did not go to high school. His father worked as car mechanic, his mother as accountant.
Job´s friends believe, that the feeling of being given away as a child, has left scars behind in his soul. At the age of 23, he became a father himself, but he left his child and his girlfriend just before the birth.
At that time, his parents tried their best to afford excellent education for their son, in spite of a lack of financial resources.
Drugs, energy-sapping diets and little developed social skills left him feeling alone, but did not form obstacles for his world-transforming inventions.His presentations were meticulously planned, nothing was left to chance.
What looks so simple is the result of many weeks of hard work not only for the former CEO of Apple, but for his whole team. 

If I were to ask those who worked together with Jobs or who were even subordinated, I would probably gather different opinions about Job´s capability of being a boss. According to his biography, Jobs disliked those, who did not dare to express their views, because they did not pose a challenge to him. On the other hand, those who put forward a strong counteropinon to Job´s point of view (e.g. concerning the price of the Mac), were endangered to experience Job´s hostile, sometimes rude attitude. Even though his team did not take him and his outbursts of rage seriously after some time, especially new faces coming to the company where intimidated by his behaviour.

No doubt, Steve Jobs had a great impact on the success of Apple. If the low esteem of employees, (which can be seen as a consequence of his undeniable antisocial personality disorder) was an obstacle or the reason for the rise of Apple, remains open to question. 
Although I am convinced, that staff must be treated kindly in order to build up a company (taking Johnson&Johnson, Google or Intel just as 3 examples of many, where the appreciation of employees is an important part of the company culture), Job´s way of (mis)treating people had positive effects: everyone gave his/her best to impress the director and only the very best workers could be sure not to be fired.
That this behaviour is morally reprehensible is an obvious thing to say, moreover the reaction of the public, that does not tolerate such unfair treatment, is bad for business.
Of course, I refuse to accept that Job´s behaviour was accurate. Using his strategy as a role model for leading staff is irresponsable.
Nevertheless, one of many important lessons, that I have learned from Steve Jobs is, that I do not need to get along with everybody to reach my goals. He appreciated authentic people with their own ideas and suggestions.
Let us do what we are best and unique at: let us be ourselves!

Happiness at Work

                         Being an introvert in the workplace

Last Wednesday we were happy to welcome the corporate rebels, Pim and Joost at Fontys, who quit their jobs to do research on the issue “happiness at work”.

They made us curious by addressing a couple of really interesting issues 
like e.g. the historical background of women at work. As Pim and Joost are
very open-minded, the audience did not hesitate to ask questions about their personal experience as well.

One of the first questions, that we were asked was: “what is important for you to feel happy at the workplace?” As we are a group with people of different nationalities and    personalities (Korea, Hong Kong, Turkey, Netherlands, Germany), the expectations are diverse, sometimes even contrasting. While some students need clear instructions and accept hierarchies within the organization, others believe to feel more comfortable in start-ups, where power is distributed equally. When we were talking about wages, the group agreed, that an average standard of living should be affordable, but high wages itself are not the decisive motivational factor.

Due to my personal background and a very recommendable book that I recently read (Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can´t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain http://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/mar/22/quiet-power-introverts-susan-cain-review), I would like to comment on the trend of increasing efficiency by creating open offices with ever changing seat arrangements in order to facilitate group work.

A number of internationally successful operating companies, such as Google
 and Zappos, emphasize how important it is to develop a strong group cohesion. Staff retention has been being an important issue, especially during the last years. No doubt, a harmonious climate, friendly behavior and personal relations contribute to a positive atmosphere and therefore higher commitment and productivity.
Communal meals, after-work-drinks together and events organized by the company at the weekend, appear desirable.
But what about those, who get their energy from spending time on their own? Those, who have brilliant ideas when they are alone?
Would  Albert Einstein, Steve Wozniak or Bill Gates have developed their ideas sitting in a shared office full of people discussing their plans for the weekend? Probably not!

An increase of freedom, possibilities to work at home and control over the physical environment, are the first steps towards a future of work, where not only extraverts feel comfortable. (http://www.theguardian.com/money/2013/mar/02/working-from-home-heather-mcgregor)

Introverts are mostly versed in interpersonal relations, but they are not very outgoing. The major part of them have experienced rejection during their childhood and seek for inner peace and happiness at a workplace, where respect of different temperaments is part of the organizational culture.

Those creative minds must be supported by being provided a workplace where they feel sheltered-they are worth it.